This girl is killing me like a drug. With a never ending guilt that I am responsible for her condition, I am responsible for their break up. Dont know wat should I do. I still think, even after this 2 years, that there is still some space left in him for her, I am unsuccessful to fill his life with love.

WISH YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS.............MAY GOD FULFILL ALL YOUR WISHES. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES WITH HEALTH, WEALTH AND HAPPINESS. MAY SANTA BRING TO YOU ALL YOUR DESIRES.


Nah. aaj likhei feli. ek mash dhore jome achhe onnnneeeekkkk kotha. onek ichha nijer chokhe dekhe, nije feel and experience kore, aaj aami pray ek mash holo kolkatae. Guwahati chhere eshchhi. parini. ekhono mone bedhe achhe shuru theke shesh prottekta din. riya, rajani.... Guwahatir aamader prothom bondhu. tarpor ashte ashte shobbai. chhere ashar poreo peyechhi onek. dada, bondhu, hoeto ekta didio. boyesh upekkha kore gore otha bondhutto. shesher rate joriye dhore ghonta khanek kanda. shokale ccd te boshe bokar moto chokher jol fela. emon ki bondhutto holo je Sanjit dar moto tough chhelero chokhe jol chhilo? onnek kichhu chhere eshchhi. Mone hoe, chhere eshchhi nijer ekta bhag. kintu shei jinishta kolkatae r khuje pachhi na. pachhi na aamae kadanor por kakur sorry bola. kakue jake shob bolte pari. jar shamne kande pari, r je aamar chokher jol k nekami bole na. ekhane kandteo bhoye lage. keno? kolkata to aamar beshi apon chhilo. tai na? tai ekhane chokher jol lukiye rakhte shikhchhi. chup kore kande shikhchhi.



:((

Hawae keu mishiye diyechhe guro sheet. Abchha hoethakchhe shokaler pahar. Thanda gorom er abhash nie sheet mone hoe kachhei kothao achhe. Chimti kata roder darate ekhon khub ekta oshubidha hochhe na. Officer chhat e dariye dekhchhilam, shamner school theke shada jamakapor pora poruara jhake jhake berochhe. Chhuti. Ki moja. Keu ba baba maar hath dhore bari firchhe, keu bha jhak baniye addae metechhe. Shari pora meyeder dol besh ekta boro boro bhab nie hashi thattae besto. Ekta group thik paner dokaner shamne nijederi duniyae mogno. Ojan.... kaal ki hote pare, ba oder k shamneri building er chhat theke keu dekhte pare. Sheo shari porto school e shunechhi. Orao hoeto ebhabei adda dito. Ajker motoo jholmole dupure oorao hoeto nijeder majhe ebhabeo besto thakto. Taar mayabi hashi dekhe kotokeu ok lucky bolto. Aaj she bakider chokhe unlucky. aami ki jani na. oneke ekhon aamake lucky bole. Kintu aamar jonnoi hoeto ekta chhoto shopno, jeta aste aste boro hochhilo, bhenge churmaar hoechhe. Aamiii hoeto doshi. Aabar jhapsha keno shobkichhhu? Mone hochhe keu tuli diye jol chhoriye diyechhe. Khub jhapsha. Khubi. Hotath shob porishkar r aamar chokh bheja. Aamar chokh theke hotath ei jol ta berolo keno. Shobi thik achhe. Shob aamar. Kintu aami kauke dukho diyechi. Karor shobbar theke cherished shopno aami bhengechhi. Eta theke aamake keu bachate parbe na.


Karur doshi hoe beche thaka oto shohoj je na sheta aami bujhte parchhi. Jai hok, ektu dure theke hoeto ekta aasha ache shob thik hoe jabe. Khali aashai korte pari. Er beshi aamar khomota to nei. 

Change is inevitable. May be this is the only thing which is constant. But what if someone whats to change the change?

I was in a habit to shout my ego. I used to call him an Idiot. My words... last words. U will not come.... U will have to. I JUST WANT THIS. No Sunday in room. Hang out with friends. Dont u dare to say me anything.

But time changed. Today I am clueless what to do when I am bored. STD lines most of the time betrays. Online fights scares me, as I cannot see him in person just after that. I dont want sundays, as sundays kill me. I am happy to work, only if I could love it. Time changed itself, time changed me. Nobody betrayed me, no body said anything. But still, I am missing my freedom. I don't feel anyone just walking my side when I work, the thing which I used to feel in college when he passed by me. I don't feel the thing to look good, because here I am not standing with him. Time changed me from a kid who used to had crushes every now and then to an young lady who is into a steady relationship. Change has changed me to think mature. The things which nobody taught me, now I know, because time demanded. I am practical, now the fairies of my dreams have disappeared. Now I don''t believe that sun and moon are two best friends, one does the duty of the other when the other feels asleep. I don't believe that God has handed over me to my mom, or my mom picked up only me from hospital just because I smiled to her. I understand that today if I cry, I will have to buy the chocolate of my own. So, the laziness to cover the distance till the chocolate shop stops me from crying. 

I am no more a child who waits long to see Saurav Ganguly complete his century, and shed tears with his wicket. But I eagerly wait to hear the sound of the bike, and to run out to make sure that he is there. I don't like to race my computer cars and hasten up to finish up my dinner. I like to wait for the phone calls. I don't like to wait in the interview que.I wait by the road side just to make him pick me up. I don't wait to get wet in the rain anymore, because I cannot afford to miss a day in office. I am bound to like it.

Change changed me. But how can I change my change?

WHATS THERE IN THE NAME

Continuous arguments...... naaaa.......... teasing a bechara........ whats there in the name. This was written and highly quoted by Willium Shakespere. Who is he? His work is his identity. Not his name. Rabindranath Tagore. His words are his identity. Not his name. Fine. Why there are soooo many succeeding generations who's name is Rabindranath? Why? Because some of there kinsmen where fond of Bangla Literature. And the name is proposed by them. Whats there in name? ;)


Roll. 1. Roll. 2 Roll. 3 (in class)..................................... First Position Goes To Sandip Hazarika (in morning assembly in front of entire school).............. why not Roll 27? Whats there in name? ;D


Sharmishtha............ Dina............. Tua.............Trishna..................Trisrota........................


Tell na........... whats gonna be new born's name? Stupids......... why no one passed the word of that English Literate.........what was his name............... leave it. Whats there in name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






If there is no name...... who will remember me and my work?  HOW THE HELL WILL REMEMBER ME???????????????? A girl......... :O
I write, you write. No name. Whats the difference? Why then Mount Everest has got its name? Why states are named? How countries are identifies? 


It is as simple as this. With due respect to Mr. William I wana contradict him and wana say sorry to all to whom he gave the confidence to argue. Name is for simplification. Name is for your citizenship. Name is to say that you exist. Name is YOU. Name is call your friend with. Whatever be the name, there should be one. So that anybody, atleast I can cheque it. 


I love my name. Just I love it............ please all of you try to spell it properly.






:P 










i know by reading this sunayana will say........... popat. 
yes... only SUNAYANA will say. no-one else. THATS THERE IN NAME.

One Day More

Miss Z has started loving it. Miss Z loves when he scolds her. She makes him scold her like anything. Now a days Mr. X uses slangs, very harsh languages, which, unlike their golden days are never answerable to Miss Z nor they are ever resulting to any apology. Miss. Z has become habituated. She creates a scene where she shows her adamant nature. She compels him to scold her. She compels him to abuse her. She hates it. Hates it like hell. But now when these words commands a piercing pain in heart and a few drops of tears, she feels re-leaved. She feels light. Then she realizes that there a sooo many things inside her heart which have almost lost their existence due to frequent renewal, which are needed to be outburst, which are painful, which are unbearable. She feels a completely different pain with Mr. X's indifferent behavior which clears few of the places in her heart to inhale fresh air. She loves that feeling of freshness.


Many questions remained unanswered today. Again she realized that she is not able to understand herself. She is so simply complex. Its real a zigsaw puzzle. Life was never so revealing before. Today she discovered one more thing. She is not changed since her school days. That killing possessiveness that made her a lifetime guilty is still there within us.


She shivered. Now she is afraid. No, she doesnt wana loose her new professional life. Because she can now realize, she is committing the same mistakes. Life mysteriously is repeating the same old story. But the characters are changed.
























Miss. Z cannot afford to loose Mr. Y

I AM CONTENT

Humanity has so much to do in a person's life. A single smile can create a lot of motivation, and a single disgusted look can make all your efforts to vein. Who on earth said that motivation is only monitory or something expensive. Even when I failed in the physics exam, I got my dad's shoulders to cry on. Never in my life before I ever got this opportunity. I used to think that I am unlucky that I never get an emotional support. But I got it exactly at the time when I needed it the most.


My family was always there with me whenever I needed them. Yes... today I can understand why they sometimes denied to agree with me. I rebelled back. But those deeds, those denials, and those rebels, all are worth getting a lesson from. 


I am lucky to be gifted with a life like this. I believe, God must have tried me in heaven before my birth and then decided to gift me with this life. In these 22 precious years, I have experience nearly 80% of all the emotions and 60% of all the situation. But again I am lucky enough to get guidance anywhere and everywhere I go. Starting from Chetry Sir because of whom I got 100 out of 100 in maths in class one, or Sudha Rani Mam, who made Hindi such an easy task, or D.K.Sagar sir, who was such a father figure that I took maths sooo casually, thinking   he will be there in any case. When I climbed to my graduation, Mrityunjay Sir unknowingly became so important to me. In MBA, all my faculties where gem, as if I have never grown up, I am a kid. I knew, professional life is different. But there also, so many wonderful people surrounded me. I just felt like thanking them all.


Why suddenly this acknowledgement I dont know. But today again I am surprised by a simple theory. There is a particular tribe who never hurt a tree. Whenever they feel like clearing some trees, they start abusing them. They scold the trees, use slangs, use all sort of de-motivating words. And surprisingly those trees die. If a tree can differentiate between motivation and de-motivation, a simple human being should also. Or else this also a criteria to differentiate between a tree and a human being that a human being should be reaction less, emotionally as well as physically, even to their self-respects....








I am better a tree. I am sorry to all those I acknowledged, as I could not become a human being in these span. But yes, I will die with my self respect.




I am content...








:))

First time in life a proper conference. Yes... I can do. Today I discovered the main reason of mine which is pulling me back, and that is, my fear of getting back. Yes, I fear to loose, thats why I loose to win. I know the cause. But very few people really have the potential to identify and work on their faults. And I am surely none of them. I wish I can be the way I was in the conference hall in the midst of eminent personality. I know I should not make myself down. I will try.... goshhhh.... this try is since I was born man!!! I just could not get rid of it in all these 22 years. I have grown up. By this age many had achieved many things. In respect of that, I have achieved none. But again being positive, I have achieved more than many like me. I am happy and lucky to get in touch with soooo many beautiful people. But I am luckier to know that Hippocrates are the fittest in this world to survive. Again I know, 1 in 1000 is the person whom the world follows. You are a hypocrite and I am too a hypocrite, then what is the difference between you and me? So now I am not a hypocrite and the world will admire me.


:))














I am sooooo happy.




ha ha.

I have nothing in my mind to write. So many questions yet to be solved. There are so many odd answers those are popping up. And I am not able to accept them. I cannot call my life exactly something that which is a voyage without a radder. I have a aim. But I am confused about the path. There are so many things in life that you cannot explain to anybody. When I start dumping my woes to him, then I realize, yes, I have dumped my part and my heart is light now. But again I realize, his woes have multiplied. Why he should be punished because of me? Why he should be paying hard for being a precious part of my life! I am supposed to be taking his care. But again I failed. I am punishing hell lot of people who had faith on me. This ugly game of life has been presented on me shockingly, and I don't know what to do with it.

No power in office. Having fun and cubicle DJ. This time is not gonna come back. So rock the florrrrr... no... rock the office!!!

He taught me to love. He turned the stone into a delicate piece. He fueled it with love. The stone started beating - lub dub, lub dub. I now could hear its emotions. I could feel the joy and the pain. It was a new feeling for me. Confused, one day I went to him and he said, it is heart and I am in love. I was happy. Now another stone broke it. It is into pieces. He said my heart is hurt. It cannot love me anymore. And I looked into it. And oh no..... now all its pieces have started loving equally. Now I can feel the joy thousand more times. And when it pains... I don't feel like surviving any more.

When he declared... I AM NOT APPLICABLE...  the first thing that stroke my mind was, yes, he is right. I made myself that inconvenient that today I am not applicable to be one of the best in-spite of my hard work. The thing which is highly needed is a smart game. If I dont know to play, then I will have to learn.


I am puzzled in both the ways. The only thing which I need right now is a permanent solution, at least in some way. A permanent solution for a career is not possible. If only he gives a permanent say-out that, he is serious about me and he really wants me to stay with him.


There was a day when I used to think that these things are useless. Some sweet dreams that used to rule my  mind was,,,, I will live just the way I am and nobody dare to change me. Today I am a professional, where nothing according to me works. Today I am girlfriend, where I need to manage a 24 years old kid. Today I am a responsible daughter, where I need to duty my life for two most amazing persons of my life.... maa, baba. And today I am an understanding grand-daughter in who's custody there are two cute 70 and 80 years old babies. I have my dreams and ambitions, some simple wishes. But I dont dare to expose them. I am bonded. I am into an invisible cage. Something that forces me to not to be me. Love is there, life is there....... but who will help me to change my perspective? 

Lets put down something in the dash board. Lots of the works done, some free time.

I was just thinking that.......... what if today I say that I will carry on the way my heart says, not at all the way my brain instructs??? Then I realised, I cannot think of my own, my brain also is not free to think. The bird inside the cage is damn beautiful, but it has already lost its major qualification to be a bird. It does not know to fly.....

:))

Writing something seating in the office so late at night is really a different feeling. A feeling that I have grown up. A feeling that I have a major responsibility. Its beautiful sometimes you know. Its 11:20 pm. Cool na. But somewhere I am feeling drowsy.


I have grown UP. Y'day we went to Brahmaputra Bridge. Shob shomoye traine maa baba bhodla miya ba subhankar and jeet er shathe train e gechhi. Aaj upor diye gari kore gechhi. Ami boro hoe gechhi. Nodi. Srot. Aamari naamer ekta ongsho. Ato jor je? Ekdom aamar moto na. Jor aamar bhalo lage na. Aamar bhalo lage tej. Tej er shathe boye jae shob kichhu. Khushi, Dukhho... shob. Kintu oi ekta nouko Brahmaputrar shrot er ulto dike cholei gelo. Koshto kore holeo, she cholei gelo. Tar mane, nothing is impossible. Because impossible itself is I Am Possible. Bhalo achhi. Bhalo thakbo. Aami shob kichhu shojjo korte pari. So no worry. 

Story Continues.....

Miss Z was standing in the terrace. She was sad. Wanted to get involved in something to forget many things. But the home far behind has also put their curtains on. She is now unable to see the handsome hunk, the innocent princess, and their cute baby. This door also closed. Now Miss Z was aback. What punishment was this for? May be she knows the reason. She is not crying, but she felt like shouting. But whom to? No friends, some foes, pinch of happiness, barrels of woes? Is this a life to live? A tear rolled down the cheeks. 

Today I got a wonderful sms. Just forwarding this to all of my readers : 


People say they love rain.....but when it rains, they use umbrella.
People say they love sun........but when it shines they search for the shade.
People say they love the wind.........but when its windy they close their windows.
Thats why I get scared when people say 'THEY LOVE ME'.

The tears are not the same which it was used to be years back. But the pain was familiar. It was the same pain which I used to feel after hanging up mom's phone. It was the same pain which I used to feel when the rare emotional me knocked its existence. I am growing up. For the first time in life, I felt this pain for someone apart from my family. I am not feeling like lieing. I am not feeling like forcing. I am not feeling like crying aloud. I am not feeling better either. I am feeling worser. 1st thing. I have kept the most precious part of my life apart. Yes, again my fault. Because I could have stopped this to be happened. Nothing in this world is impossible.And on the top of that, I can see a vast gap being created day by day. I cant agree totally this time that this is my fault. It is no-one's fault. You know, what the simple conversation going on my mind before I rang up?


He : Kothae chhili? 
Me: Dekh na...  bhalo lage na........ matha gorom hoe jae. Kono mane hoe bol. Atto raa....
He: Thik achhe thik achhe. Age fresh hoene, raate kotha bolchhi.
Me: hmm. :(. ok
He: Pagli... porer bar theke ektu janie dish deri hole. tata.
Me. : Love u xxxx. :D. Aami call korchhi.


But sometimes these angers tell u how specially important u can be for someone. Na? 


:D

• MR. X FELL IN LOVE WITH MISS. Y. BUT MISS. Y WAS ALREADY SOMEONE'S EX.
•  THEY FELL MADLY FOR EACH OTHER.
•  DAYS INCREASED, LOVE DECREASED.
• DHISHUM DHISHUM............ OHHH............NO.........JHAGRA........
• AND MORE THEY FAUGHT,  MORE THEY TALKED.
• AND MR. X AND MISS. Y BROKE OFF.
• MR. X FELL IN LOVE WITH MISS. Z. 
• MISS. Z WAS EARLIER WITH MR. ETC. ETC.
• MISS Z HOBBY "TO SAY YES".
• MR. X AND MISS. Y IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.
• WHO IS IN BENIFIT??? WHO IS IN LOSS???
• REPLY...........

sometimes u become so bound, that you cant do anything. and the toughest thing, u cant express anyway. because this bondage comes from the person who is the real meaning of your freedom. u cant smile,  u cant laugh, u cant talk, u cant cry. but trust me, there will be a day, when u will not feel like doing any of these. because by then, u have lost the most important part of ur existance, ie, ur emotions.

BAATEIN... (THE THING I MISS THE MOST)

PYAR HAI RISHTON KI BAATEIN,
PYAR HAI SHARTON BAATEIN,
PAR KISE PATA KYA KAMBAKHT HAI PYAR;
JAB KARNE CHALE IZHAR KI BAATEIN.


PATA NEHI THA MUJHKO BHI YEH
PYAR BHARI RAATON KI BAATEIN;
JAB NIKALI THI ZUBAN SE MERI
KHAMOSHI BHARI IKRAR KI BAATEIN.


AB RAATON ME SISKIAN BAN,
MERE AANKHON SE BEHTI MERI WOH BAATEIN.
KYON HUA NEHI SHARTON K BADLE
PYAR KUCHH WADON KI BAATEIN.

life is weired that u will never b able to find its true meaning. thats y I think searching for it is just a wastage of time. trying to be someone, being able to b someone and at last, to be someone. ufff...... a lot and a lot of journey. world says, its getting wiser. but i dont understand which wisdom directs u to be artificial when the nature is there. i dont find any meaning to cut the nature's arms when it extends its love. computer games and gym.... two  works of entertainment and exercise in place of a single game of marry go round. what a wisdom!!! my stupid brain doesnt understand. 


actually my empty brain is devil's den. because now i am hungry but i am seating in the office in front of some guests. i cant eat and i cant even show i am hungry. i dont again understand y i cant openly say that man!!!!! i am hungry............ dont they eat??? what a rubbish formality.

ANKHON NE EK GUSTAKHI KI DEKHKAR TUMHE,
AAJ US GUSTAKHI NE JAKAR LIYA HUME.


ISHQ MOHABBAT K DAERE SE KAB KI CHHUT CHUKI THI MAIN,
BAR RISHTON K BANDHAN ME DHUNDTI RAHI TUMHE.


AM I THAT STUPID OR LOVE ITSELF IS A STUPID THING? THAT PERSON WHO USED TO LOVE HERSELF THE MOST, WHAT IS MAKING HER FORGETTING HER SELF RESPECT? AM I GETTING INSANE? OR AM I SERIOUSLY AND RIDICULOUSLY IN SERIOUS SO CALLED BULLSHIT LOVE? THAT FILMY LOVE??????? OHH GODDD....... SAVE THIS INNOCENT CHILD OF URS.

Down with fever. But still at office. Its really beautiful as I felt relatives are always there. Just wana say that I am not alone.

life is crazy sometimes. its really tough to survive without the persons whom u love. known but so unknown city, with only work as motive creates a nostalgia that is tough to fight. 

anyways, working is the only way out to make the dreams a realty. sach bataun... i am enjoying. because, sometimes space is needed. but still i miss him, .nd yes, i am in love. its a happy feeling. 

:)

Having fun..... but a lot more is required to build a relationship. I am think life is that fair enough with me in this part. Anyways,,,, just waitng when God will say Hi...

:)

HELLO

All creatures in this world have beautiful things to experience in life. But very dew can diffrentiate between beutiful and ugly. And I am not among them. I have a very simple funda. Everything that comes your way is beautiful. If not now, then some other day. If not as realty, then as memory. Who ever thought that our seniour, whom we met just few days back in Head Office, is now with me chatting, so late at night. We became friends. Some beautiful things are certainly on its way.