To Jaan (The letter which will never be posted)

Dear Jaan,

How are you? (I know I am not gonna get the reply even... ahem... anyways) . I know you are not happy and satisfied in your life. And I know the reason as well. At first I used to think and after your family, I am the only person who knows all your secrets. And I used to enjoy this. But I was wrong. Now I know, all are more important than me. I know you want to marry me, but do you want to be with me? If yes, where are you today, probably when I needed you? I will not say, when I needed you the most, because that night if you would not have been there, I would have been half dead. Thanks for all you did throughout that period. 

 You have taught me to love more than life. It was you who made me stable. And I became that stable that I could not move a bit when you stabbed me. I remained silence when I was declared me a bloody bitch. You made me obey you, and obediently I have given birth to that bitch within me. Yes jaan, this bitch is gonna ditch you now.

I was waiting. Just to listen to those three words, when you suddenly turned back to say F*** Off. And I am obeying that. I am F***ing my bloody life. I wanted to hold your hand, but the discovered, even I can cross the roads alone. You helped me to get friends. And today so my best friends are the walls of my flat and the utensils of the kitchen. I shouted, scolded, abused you, just to be with me, but how I knew, those, for whom I thought you will love me more, will become so important that you will not know me at all. Do you have the least idea that I have left you? Are you concerned about our relationship? Have you realized, its already too late?

Yes Jaan. Its too late. Its too tough for me though. I never wanted to leave you. I have dreamt of a world with our two kids. A world full of love. You know, I was dependent on you. But now, I am not dependent on anybody. I can stay alone entire day in my flat, and I dont miss you. I dont miss you even in the rain nor in the bed. I dont remember how you have kissed me for the first time in your kitchen. I dont remember how you tightly used to hug me as if you will never let me go. Then how you allowed him to take me away? How you have let me go so easily jaan. I cried , I shouted. Couldnt you hear a single noise? How you have let ME.... your sona.. go away with an unknown ???

Today every night my phone remains busy and you dont ask me why. Because know you also know that you dont have any right on me. Instead of calling someone jaan, someone regularly calls me jana. How come you gave him this chance? Damn it you spoiled my life. I cant say "I love you" to anyone without thinking of you for a fraction of second. I am scared of getting married again. I am scared of planning my life. I am scared of meeting someone, just thinking you will be hurt. Still.....stilll.....yes , still i think of you. You have changed this most hated city to the most loved one for me. Now I wana run away.Will you hold my hand and say....dont go? You didnt. Rather you asked me. But he stopped me. Why jaan, you were not him? 

I just wish one day I wake up and see its you, calling me in the morning to wish me a beautiful day ahead. Smsing me asking to come online on skype, so that you can see me in front of you, and feel me arround you throughout the day. Then when the connection will fail, worryingly you will sms me asking..... what happened to my jaan? And when I will call you in the midst of the meeting, u will disconnect the phone as you do now, but again will leave a message.... In meeting. Calling you asap. Love you sweetheart. .......... and will call me as soon as u get free. I wish you just call me every night to let me know that you cant leave without me anymore.

Remember? One day you have asked me to make a life without you. And today I dont have you in my life. See, again I obeyed you. Jaan, please know this, I LOVE YOU. AND WILL BE LOVING YOU TILL DEATH.

Thanks for all the lovely moments you have given me. You will just remain withing me with my breath. I will not miss you except I breathe. You cant stop me for that, because my breathe still smells of you. Each part of the skin glows with your touch. I cant ignore them.

Every journey of my life with your best wishes were always successful. Wish me luck jaan, so that I can start my new journey properly. I will follow whatever you taught me. I will remember all our fights so that this time I dont commit mistake. I will remember all our good days, that can bring at least a smile to someone, whom I can never commit. I tried jaan, but couldnt call him jaan. So going ahead with my jana. Last night I couldnt kiss you over phone. Next time I will recollect all your kisses and try to attempt again. He loves me a lot. I am going with him. And I think I am taking all our memories. There are lot with you too. Hope you will take care of them.  And you will take care of yourself. Get married by 2015 with a nice girl, who will understand you. But please, never call her a bitch, she will not be able to tolerate. And dont marry a single child, because when you will abuse her with her parents name, may be she will be very hurt. And try to concentrate on relationships as well, friends are not gonna stay always. 

Love u jaan. Love u a lot. I would have said, I cant live without you. But now I know I can leave without anybody in this world. So you take care. 

Couldnt even wait till 2012. Getting married this December. Settling in Delhi. Though you know, I cant bid goodbye to this city ever. Hope to cross your smiling face someday, somewhere. I will not keep my childrens' name Wanchu or Ho. But make sure, you keep it, because if somewhere I find a tiny tot by that name, I will surely go and kiss him, and will bless him with all my blessings. I wish someday we meet, and you say, Trishi, life is beautiful. Trust me, it is jaan. I promise to come to Kolkata every year, and pass by Patuli. If someday you see me, please call me. But dont hold my hand, because I will be knowing, someone else is waiting for me. And it will be tough for me to go back.

Wish you all the best in life. Love u 2, 3 ,4 ..... to infinity + 1. Baat Khatam. 

Aur baat shuru nehi hogi.......................... (i hate hindi jaan....... i love when u call me sona.... i no u will never again)

You take care. Mr. X, Miss Z will never be Mrs. X again.

But still she loves you.

 Yours.... and only yours.....

Sona.