To Jaan (The letter which will never be posted)

Dear Jaan,

How are you? (I know I am not gonna get the reply even... ahem... anyways) . I know you are not happy and satisfied in your life. And I know the reason as well. At first I used to think and after your family, I am the only person who knows all your secrets. And I used to enjoy this. But I was wrong. Now I know, all are more important than me. I know you want to marry me, but do you want to be with me? If yes, where are you today, probably when I needed you? I will not say, when I needed you the most, because that night if you would not have been there, I would have been half dead. Thanks for all you did throughout that period. 

 You have taught me to love more than life. It was you who made me stable. And I became that stable that I could not move a bit when you stabbed me. I remained silence when I was declared me a bloody bitch. You made me obey you, and obediently I have given birth to that bitch within me. Yes jaan, this bitch is gonna ditch you now.

I was waiting. Just to listen to those three words, when you suddenly turned back to say F*** Off. And I am obeying that. I am F***ing my bloody life. I wanted to hold your hand, but the discovered, even I can cross the roads alone. You helped me to get friends. And today so my best friends are the walls of my flat and the utensils of the kitchen. I shouted, scolded, abused you, just to be with me, but how I knew, those, for whom I thought you will love me more, will become so important that you will not know me at all. Do you have the least idea that I have left you? Are you concerned about our relationship? Have you realized, its already too late?

Yes Jaan. Its too late. Its too tough for me though. I never wanted to leave you. I have dreamt of a world with our two kids. A world full of love. You know, I was dependent on you. But now, I am not dependent on anybody. I can stay alone entire day in my flat, and I dont miss you. I dont miss you even in the rain nor in the bed. I dont remember how you have kissed me for the first time in your kitchen. I dont remember how you tightly used to hug me as if you will never let me go. Then how you allowed him to take me away? How you have let me go so easily jaan. I cried , I shouted. Couldnt you hear a single noise? How you have let ME.... your sona.. go away with an unknown ???

Today every night my phone remains busy and you dont ask me why. Because know you also know that you dont have any right on me. Instead of calling someone jaan, someone regularly calls me jana. How come you gave him this chance? Damn it you spoiled my life. I cant say "I love you" to anyone without thinking of you for a fraction of second. I am scared of getting married again. I am scared of planning my life. I am scared of meeting someone, just thinking you will be hurt. Still.....stilll.....yes , still i think of you. You have changed this most hated city to the most loved one for me. Now I wana run away.Will you hold my hand and say....dont go? You didnt. Rather you asked me. But he stopped me. Why jaan, you were not him? 

I just wish one day I wake up and see its you, calling me in the morning to wish me a beautiful day ahead. Smsing me asking to come online on skype, so that you can see me in front of you, and feel me arround you throughout the day. Then when the connection will fail, worryingly you will sms me asking..... what happened to my jaan? And when I will call you in the midst of the meeting, u will disconnect the phone as you do now, but again will leave a message.... In meeting. Calling you asap. Love you sweetheart. .......... and will call me as soon as u get free. I wish you just call me every night to let me know that you cant leave without me anymore.

Remember? One day you have asked me to make a life without you. And today I dont have you in my life. See, again I obeyed you. Jaan, please know this, I LOVE YOU. AND WILL BE LOVING YOU TILL DEATH.

Thanks for all the lovely moments you have given me. You will just remain withing me with my breath. I will not miss you except I breathe. You cant stop me for that, because my breathe still smells of you. Each part of the skin glows with your touch. I cant ignore them.

Every journey of my life with your best wishes were always successful. Wish me luck jaan, so that I can start my new journey properly. I will follow whatever you taught me. I will remember all our fights so that this time I dont commit mistake. I will remember all our good days, that can bring at least a smile to someone, whom I can never commit. I tried jaan, but couldnt call him jaan. So going ahead with my jana. Last night I couldnt kiss you over phone. Next time I will recollect all your kisses and try to attempt again. He loves me a lot. I am going with him. And I think I am taking all our memories. There are lot with you too. Hope you will take care of them.  And you will take care of yourself. Get married by 2015 with a nice girl, who will understand you. But please, never call her a bitch, she will not be able to tolerate. And dont marry a single child, because when you will abuse her with her parents name, may be she will be very hurt. And try to concentrate on relationships as well, friends are not gonna stay always. 

Love u jaan. Love u a lot. I would have said, I cant live without you. But now I know I can leave without anybody in this world. So you take care. 

Couldnt even wait till 2012. Getting married this December. Settling in Delhi. Though you know, I cant bid goodbye to this city ever. Hope to cross your smiling face someday, somewhere. I will not keep my childrens' name Wanchu or Ho. But make sure, you keep it, because if somewhere I find a tiny tot by that name, I will surely go and kiss him, and will bless him with all my blessings. I wish someday we meet, and you say, Trishi, life is beautiful. Trust me, it is jaan. I promise to come to Kolkata every year, and pass by Patuli. If someday you see me, please call me. But dont hold my hand, because I will be knowing, someone else is waiting for me. And it will be tough for me to go back.

Wish you all the best in life. Love u 2, 3 ,4 ..... to infinity + 1. Baat Khatam. 

Aur baat shuru nehi hogi.......................... (i hate hindi jaan....... i love when u call me sona.... i no u will never again)

You take care. Mr. X, Miss Z will never be Mrs. X again.

But still she loves you.

 Yours.... and only yours.....

Sona.

Without U

When the entire country was cheering and celebration the repetation of the 1983 history, my grandpa was fighting alone in ICU one of DeSun hospital. I wanted to go there, rather being in the South City, because I knew there will be many more like me who didnt wanted India to win the world cup. Neither I wanted Kolkata Night Riders to play well. Because I didnt wanted any sort of unusual things to happen. I was avoiding change, fearing, that change will take my grandpa away.

Bhodla is the person who always calls me in the wrong timings. Today without those calls, I feel so baseless. He calls me when I am fast asleep. He calls me when I am in meeting or at crowd. He calls me when I am doing something wrong. 9:30 pm everyday he calls me. Wherever I am, whatever I might be doing. Today I want those disturbing calls. Wish, some connection can go upto heaven. Now I feel, if my maa, miya (grandma) and baba are my limbs, Bhodla is my spine. which most of the time I ignored. And now see, he is punishing me like this.

I diont miss his caring words, because I still hear them, I still hear his "thank you" whenever I do something good. I also wanted to say him thank you once he would have been well, but he is soo down to earth u see :P:P:P ....... didnt gave me a chance.

Today miya is alone. I think she can also feel him, or else how she is so strong I dont no. And yes, I am surviving. Now I know, nothing in this world is impossible. He always used to make me feel special. Everybody says " Ganguly babu to khali natnir kothai bolen (Mr. Ganguly speaks about his grand daughter only)". I am sure now I am loosing my stardom. I just wish everybody could hear him the way I do.

In my last post I was calculating time. Guys....my grandpa left me at about 5 am. And the delay I was calculating. Today I also started to think about the write up at near about 5 am. Trust me. Not at all intentionally. The watch shocked me also. Bhodla wants me to write. But of course this is not his last note, I will keep on writing about him.




Let me tell you guys, death is the worst ever thing in life. Something which everyone has to face. Today I am breathing, I am doing everything which I used to do. But I am not the one I used to be. I am changed. And you changed me bhodla. For sure for good. Let me succeed. And once when I will be there where u are now, I will go and tell you the entire story. How you always used to ask me to save my salary, and I didnt saved a penny in the last entire year. And when I saved a bit, it all went drenched with your bloody hospital fees. In contrary, I was about to gift you an ac. Your lose. I will tell you, how tough it is to live without listening your voice and scolding you. How tough to go to the studio with your photo and ask them to enlarge it for your damn ceremony, and how it feels to receive your passport size photo from the same studio which you were about to collect. I will surely tell you, that still you sweat ed  clothes stinks in your cu-board. Still how every corner of the house reminds of you, and we will have to survive the punishment of staying there happily. I will tell you Bhodla, how miya dont cry, but utter your words, do the things you do. And do you have a least idea, the strong image of mine created by you doesnt allow me to cry, you r fault.  You might not be knowing, now a days I do all sort of bad works, because I no you are not going to call me in the wrong timings .... yyeeiiii.... because u never knew, I am not that good that you used to think me to be..............hihih...


But let me tell you, I miss you. This 5 am haunts me. (Why it has to come everyday!!!) :( I cry every night. (u me secret. dnt let maa know it. ok? ) I have stollen ur 2 diaries, 1989 and 2003. (rest i couldnt find out.). I secretly smell your cloths (yaaakkkk). I wear your shoes now. (only because it fits perfectly on me and its beautiful). I seat in your place of the table. (I enjoy the position of family head.). I can see you everywhere, but I cant hug you. I cant kiss you. Let me admit, you ARE the best part of my life. And now you are my God. (i dont want to accept this, but yes you are.). I lost my childhood with you. I want you back. Desperately. You have done everything for me. Now when you are closest to the god, tell him your rinki is crying, she needs you. Ask him to send you back, in return I can give them a written that I will never ask for anything in my life. Do hurry up. Come back soon. I am waiting. I miss u.

Grandpa came back home.... forever.

17th April, 2011. Grandpa was discharged. We were not happy, because he was not cured. Doctors surrendered. A skinny man, in the stretcher came out of ICU and was put on the big AC ambulance. They said, he is ur grandpa. But i dont believe till date it was he, because my grandpa is smart, tall, handsome. This person somewhere looks like him, but i doubt it was he. I didnt went to home with my family. I wanted to skip that part where they will drag this man to the bed of his own bedroom, which was once his kingdom, and then will fix all the instruments throughout his body. Baba and Jishu mama accompanied him in the ambulance. Maa and grandma in the car behind. They started, I got back to my flat.

Net day, early morning near about 6:30 ( 1 and half hours late) Bimal dadu came and told that grandpa is serious, we will go to Kalyani by 9. It least affected me. I had seen him in the most critical condition. So I dnt bother. Any condition will be better than that. (I was so confident that nothing bad can happen to 5 of us.). I bathed, I washed the dishes, I cleaned my room and slowly moved to Bimal Dadu's house. Now I can feel, I was grave serious. I dnt no why. By then, at near about 8:30 am (3 and a half hours late) maa called me. I asked, what grandpa doing? maa replied, lying and asking for you. come soon.

1st clue. As I reached Bimal dadu's house, Reba dida forced me to have a proper breakfast.
 we started at 9 am (4 hours late).

2nd clue. Why Bimal Dadu and Reba Dida going along with me?
3rd clue. Baba called. Avoided grandpa's topic.
4th clue. Bimal Dadu and Reba Dida were discussing that other relatives are also coming.Why?

Kalyani never seemed so far. But as I saw it approaching with the JIS building, I didnt wanted to move ahead. I was chilled with the heat, I was fumed in the ac. I didnt knew these feelings ever exists.

5th and final clue. Many people outside my house.

Grandpa sleeping in his bed. Many surrounding him Maa said as I entered "Bhodla nei." Yes. Bholdla is what I call him. But my Bhodla is with me, still now. I can see him. My grandpa died. But " aamar bhodla achhe.r thakbe." I sat by his side. I was seeing him. Calm, quite. Handsome. Yes, he is my grandpa. Sleeping. And I dont remember after that.

Treatment Began

RMO had told that will be operated only if there is chance. Jishu Mama and Subhankar stayed at hospital. I took grandma along with me. It was impossible to look at her. I never ever in my life saw her alone staying anywhere. At about 12:30 am. Grandma was forced to sleep, because none of us knew whats the next morning was about to bring. I didnt wanted to sleep. Because once sleep, it became tough to accept the reality the next moment I become awake. But I didnt wanted to be awake either, because I wanted the time to move on. 2:30am. Subhankar told, doctor ready for operation. A ray of hope blew my mind when they said operation was successful. By 6:30 am, I moved to hospital. It was scary staying there alone. And my grandpa's identity by then was changed to "BED NUMBER 4011, ICU 1".

I was relieved seeing baba maa in the evening. Still then Bed Number 4011, ICU 1 "er gyan fereni" (was unconscious). And thus started out journey of hearing... "conditon eki achhe." ( condition is same).

I joined office back. 2 days later in the office, baba called suddenly, said... Grandpa under ventilation. I dint knew what to do. I rushed out. Left my job. I knew the grave meaning of ventilation. But let my maa and grandma dont no, let them not face the truth. Let me not cry in front of them. Let me find out some positiveness. And thus my hunt for positiveness started.

One Thursday, I wished I would not have been there to see him. Tubes and plasters, eyes closed. Breathing. I called him, I called him many a times, he didnt responded. Never happened in this 23 years of mine. I knew he will get well, I knew we five will be together again. I promised, I will not see him till he gets fine. And thus I divided our duties. Baba will visit, and I will carry medicines. Happy :))

Days started passing with everyday of nothing new. Same old story, same old comments. Another operation. Every patient carrying stretcher used to make a heart beat skip. Every starting of announcement was spine chilling. Every call from hospital was scary. My daily routine was to go to hospital early morning, stay there till the visiting hours and then coming back. And in between asking for "Bed 4011, ICU 1".

*thanks shubhajit to be there with me in those stupid acts of mine. God bless u.

MY WORST DAYS

After many days, had a long chat with Ria. She encouraged me to get back to my blog, which once I created to maintain as a diary of my happening life. Sweetheart, I wanted to dedicate this first comeback post of mine to you, but I will not. Because I dont want anyone to read it. Because it is about the worst feeling of life, my worst ever day. I know now, nothing can be worser than this, rather, I can say, I am prepared for the worst.

I thought of writing this long back. But again thought, if everything goes right, I will never write it. Will eliminate this part of my life as a disastrous nightmare. But God had his own wishes. So in this early morning of exactly 5:17 am, without a night's sleep, I am narrating the worst experience.

31st March, 2011. In the morning also I didnt knew that the devil D was at my door step. Mood was not good. Grandpa was not well. Came to office as usual. Happily wished Gautam Sir and Barsha Ba for their birthdays. And a call.... Grandpa suffering cerebral attack. This term was vague for me then. Rushed out of office, came home. Didnt knew when ny chins got wet. Packed whatever I could, because I was going to accompany Grandma for few days when Grandpa will be in hospital. Rushed out to metro. Office crowd. One train miss, means another 10 minutes late. No ways. Train at Dumdum ... "Kalyani Simanta".... this is what Grandpa always preferred to go home by. But today I will not get down at my home stoppage, because no one was there. Horrible crowd. Couldnt even made it to ladies compartment. Left everything to God. A girl amongst 100 men in a compartment. Fought tough to got through. But again, one train miss, another 20 minutes late.

Mellenium Nursing Home. An ambulance. Front seat, Jishu Mama. Back, Grandma, helpless look, grandpa, lying unconscious, breathing heavily, a pipe in the nose. Nothing more. He was admitted to ICU. Doctors asked immedietly to rush to Kolkata. 9:30 pm. Aim... DeSun Hospital. Called up Subhankar and assured he will be there. The dark Kalyani Expressway. Jishu mama in front seat, Grandma and me, at back. grandpa, lying unconsciously in front of me. Like never before. My right hand holding his right hand. I was still not feeling anything, just when the ambulance siren  woke me up. Man!!! I was in an ambulance. My best part of my life was lying in front of me. And his best part, by my side. His heavy breaths assuring me, I am alive, Suddenly he stopped. The motion of ambulance and the scenarios outside didnt bothered me. I was scared to feel his pulse. I was scared to check his heart beat. I was scared to look at my right where Grandma was seating grave steady. Yes I saw, I saw his neck palpitating. I breathed. I am alive.The ambulance siren, my stretcher and the person lying there, and the dark night outside.... I never wanted to live this part of my life.

DeSun Hospital. 11:30pm. Subhankar's face relieved me. Grandpa was immedietly given oxygen and admitted to ICU. RMO declared... "chance less". I came out. I had the responsibility to look after Grandma. I needed to smile to say, "Now everything will be fine, doctors are taking care of."